Will Work for Money

So it looks like my stint as Trophy Wife may be coming to close. Bean is now three years old, and potty-trained, and sweetly (if not psychotically) SUPER attached to me. Plus, she hasn’t been getting the enrichment of being in preschool with other kids and child development certified grown-ups. (Read: she is clingy.)

We’re BFFs. We have been for three years. Half the things out of her mouth are verbatim quotes of mine. (She has been known to tell her brother to, “use your words!”)

No, I do declare preschool shall do my little copycat good.

And now that I’m coming to terms with re-entering the work force (Read: you mean I’m mandated an entire hour for lunch? Can I eat by myself? Do I have to cut up anyone else’s food? Will my food still be hot/cold/the proper temperature?), I’ve been polishing up the ol’ résumé. And the three-year gap on it is mildly threatening. I’d like to just paste pictures of my kids under Work Experience, but I’m not sure how professional that will be. Maybe if I use pictures from our Sears Portrait Studio session.

So what would a Stay-At-Home Mom résumé look like? SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

Stay-at-Home Mom, Buttram Residence, May 2010-present
• Answered on average 10,000 questions per day.
• Gained forty pounds in months leading up to employment in order to grow a small human.
• Utilized my mathematical knowledge to balance personal bank accounts, allotting revenue for Educational Books and Toys, Healthy Snacks, and After-School Activities, while enforcing budget cuts on Fast Food.
• Performed regularly the ability to lift 20+ pounds on a daily (hourly) basis, sometimes while it’s kicking and screaming.
• Practiced significant life skills on a regular basis such as patience while teaching how to not pee in your pants, grace during trips to the grocery store with two cranky children, and steadfastness when being asked a minimum of twelve times for candy ten minutes before dinner is ready.
• Utilized my ability to think creatively by completing numerous puzzles, Lego kits and Transformers (I hate those things).
• Ensured availability around the clock, including during shower times, lunch breaks, in the middle of the night, and when I just sat down with a cup of coffee and a book.
• Utilized my ability to multi-task while preparing meals, straightening up the work environment, assisting with after-hours educational endeavors, and placating a needy toddler.
• Provided safe and timely transportation to and from school, church, and all other numerous sports-and-leisure activities.
• Managed all parties’ divergent schedules, ensuring all doctors’ appointments, play dates, sports games, and church functions were well-attended.
• Enforced the Rules of Arguing between heated conflicting parties while remaining objective, arbitrating justice and ensuring sensible resolutions.
• Utilized my organizational and time-management skills to ensure all parties maintain a balanced and stimulating schedule, diet, and intellect.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, right? That is a pretty impressive list, if I don’t say so myself. (I do. I do say so.) Not to mention how demanding our employers (kids) can totally be (YES, your grilled cheese is ALMOST READY). They’re also much grosser than America’s typical employers I hope (PLEASE FIND A TISSUE, I DON’T NEED TO SEE YOUR BOOGER).

And while they are painfully cute and sweet and surprising and heartbreaking, they don’t pay very well (unless you count sticky kisses, which are completely unbankable. Believe me, I’ve tried).

And I can honestly say I’ve never had to wipe a co-worker’s bottom. (PROMISE.)