Confessions: The Runner’s Edition

Preface: I totally flatter myself by calling myself a “runner.” My definition of “running” is probably very different from yours. Henceforth, feel free to substitute the word “run” with “jog” or “walk quickly” or even “basically walking with a little hop in my step to seem like I’m running” – I won’t be offended, and you won’t be wrong.

So I’m about a month into an 8-week 5K running program. For the most part, I have to run at the gym on a treadmill and the view doesn’t change and all I have to look at is the heart rate chart because the TVs all seem to be tuned to CMT or some CourtTV channel about murdered women and I’ve already done the math to figure out my max heart rate so pondering things (and not dying) are my only options.

And sometimes these things are totally “life flashing before my eyes” kind of pondering. Inevitably, they make great blog fodder.

1. I used to listen to The Courtesy Laugh Podcast during my runs. I’m way behind on the episodes, and was doing pretty well catching up, but things started getting ugly. It’s one thing to burst into laughter during a 90-second walking interval, startling the old man on the treadmill next to you (I mean, his heart is ALREADY getting a workout, it’s only a matter of time). It is QUITE another to be in the middle of that 4-minute devil run interval.

Now I listen to two songs on repeat for their ridiculous running tempo: Hello Hurricane and Head Over Heels. Trust, it’s a really (sort of) fast (ish) running tempo on smidget legs.

2. I need to get a haircut. This seems like an odd thing to ponder, except my hair is super thick and stupid heavy. Last week, it broke my ponytail holder after ten minutes of running, so now I have to use two ponytail holders. But now it’s so long that it whips me in the face.

I’m already aggravated because the 5K app that tells me when to run and when to walk JUST interrupted to tell me it’s the halfway point and NOT to tell me it’s okay to drop that sucker back down to 3.5 and walk, and I AM FURIOUS. Cutting my hair would probably fix this.

3. There are a dozen fast food restaurants plus one Krispy Kreme between my house and the gym. Whoever planned this should be fired. My only saving grace is that it’s too early for any of those fast food restaurants to serve French fries, which are my ultimate craving after a workout. The bad news, it’s early enough for the blasted Krispy Kreme Hot Light to be on. BASTARDS.

And I know real runners never feel hungry after a run, like, their bodies and metabolisms and dumb adrenaline make them feel like they’re full and happy and high on life, but I get RAVENOUS after my workout. I’m basically the Hulk, except with hunger instead of rage. But it can totally become rage if the drive home takes too long.

4. I realize I talk a lot (like, A LOT) about food (because I LOVE IT SO MUCH). Coupled with the fact that I legitimately own (and wear) pajama jeans, it definitely sounds like I’m just one hot glazed doughnut away from being crane-lifted from my house intervention-style.

So it seems out of place to have a post devoted to what goes through my mind as I try not to die on a treadmill (because that would be SO EMBARRASSING). Believe me when I say, I ABSOLUTELY exercise for the SOLE PURPOSE of being able to come home and eat a giant spoonful of hot fudge topping. (And maybe a little bit because having to buy bigger clothes would totally wreck my Starbucks budget.)

And finally, the thought that most often flits through my brain during these workouts:

5. WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN, AND WILL I FLY OFF THE TREADMILL LIKE A YOUTUBE VIDEO IF MY HEART STOPS? I think that one is pretty self-explanatory.

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20 Comments

Filed under Humor

20 responses to “Confessions: The Runner’s Edition

  1. crosscribe

    Okay — loved this. I, too, tackled running via the 5K app, and would plead with it at times to please let me walk already. But I made it, and now look like less of a dork when I run/jog. I also need to eat post-workout. Anything with Nutella on top — say, a spoon — is oh-so-yummy.

  2. I’m laughing, but not while running. I can’t even run and breathe at the same time.

  3. I was 2 weeks into a 5K training program when my knees sent my brain this message: The rest of Joseph is too fat for this crap. We’re outta here.
    I see people running near work and I want to creep up behind them in my car and see if I can get close enough to pull one of their shoes off. And people who talk about runner’s high are full of it. This is a lie they tell to try and get the rest of us to be as miserable as they are. I’ve been high and I’ve run a mile and I can tell you there is no comparison.

  4. I feel bad. Not because I’m an insensitive runner or even because I’m too lazy to get physically fit. The reason I feel so bad is because I planned that Krispy Kreme between your house and the gym.

  5. Marianne

    My goal is a half marathon. Making myself question my self-esteem because who would make a goal like this if they truly loved themselves?

  6. I am proud of you for even thinking about c25k. I started it last fall and then an old knee injury said, “no thank you.” I’m considering trying again at a slower rate if it ever cools down here. All this to say, we are twinsies even when it comes to running/jogging and what we think about whilst running/jogging. Except there’s no Krispy Kreme or fast food restaurants on my route.

  7. Yeah, is that the Krispy Kreme on Kingston Pike? Or the one out Halls way? Because I’ve been to both and I wonder what ground I’ve shared with the great JButtWhatWhat.

  8. I did the C25K program over the winter and I’m now up to 8 miles! Well, I say that, but I haven’t run in 2 weeks, so I’m probably back down a bit. That’s the worst part about running. But, I will say, that when you run further than you thought you could (or have since HS) you will be so proud of yourself! And we aren’t trying to deceive, once you break through your wall, you will know a runner’s high. 🙂 As for food, I always want something cold after I run, like a sandwich or Freebirds (not cold, I guess…) but my lady wants the heaviest, fattiest food. It blows my mind.

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