Spring, We Need to Chat


Every year it happens.

Allergy Season.

Pretty, right? Not when it’s coating my snotter.

It’s why we have commercials with cartoon bees mourning their imposed separation from flowers on CONSTANT ROTATION. It’s why we have at LEAST a thousand different spokespeople living now Claritin Clear.

(HAH. As if Claritin is any match for Tennessee in the Spring. Tennessee in the Spring LAUGHS in the face of antihistamines. Tennessee in the Spring steals Claritin’s lunch money AND Air Jordans, and then later, when they run into each other at the YMCA while on summer break from college, Tennessee in the Spring will steal Claritin’s girlfriend.)

But knowing that it’s basically a rite of passage to summer for roughly 98% of America doesn’t make it any easier.

You guys, Spring is trying to pollinate me, and it hasn’t even bought me dinner yet.

My esophagus is coated with dirty yellow pollen, I CAN FEEL IT. My sinuses are swollen shut. I’ve even called the number on the Afrin box (1-800-317-2165) to ask their customer service department what they mean EXACTLY by “Use for NO MORE than three days.” Like, three days straight, right? What if I only use it at night, does that mean I can actually use it for six days? What if I use it for three days, and then take a day off? Does the three-day count start all over? Come on, Afrin, what REALLY happens if I use it for more than three days?

(For the record, I didn’t call during business hours, so the jury’s still out.)

And because I’m a mouth-breather, I can’t pronounce the letter m – they all just sound like b’s. As in, Happy Bother’s Day! I love you, Bob! Can I have a Nubber Three Cobbo with a Bountain Dew?


Spring, you’re a dirt bag.

Do you have allergies? How’s your snot output been? Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen if I substance-abuse Afrin?



Filed under Humor

12 responses to “Spring, We Need to Chat

  1. As a fellow sufferer, May has been the worst month ever…this includes the 4 years I lived in Chattanooga and nearly died from snot overload. I say if it helps, why risk feeling awful?

  2. As a non-allergy sufferer, I am here to report, my husband is a wreck. Plus he is snoring. I want to kill him. Instead, I sleep in the guest room. Where I can still hear him, but he is kind of muted. I’m sorry you are snurgly.

  3. My favorite line: “You guys, Spring is trying to pollinate me, and it hasn’t even bought me dinner yet.”

    So I must tell you I feel I’ve lucked out here. I had seasonal allergies in Illinois but they did not follow me to Tennessee. Apparently seasonal allergies can be regional? And if you have them in one place, you won’t have them in another? I’d never heard that before moving here. I still have my other allergies but the copious amounts of pollen aren’t working their nefarious magic, for which I’m grateful. I hope yours will clear up SOON!

    • I’ve always heard if you don’t have allergies when you move to Tennessee, you develop them, but if you had allergies before, they go away. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE SCIENCE BEHIND THIS.

  4. Ricky Anderson

    I’m a doctor, and I say Afrin yourself like crazy.

    “You guys, Spring is trying to pollinate me, and it hasn’t even bought me dinner yet.”

    Best. Line. Ever.

  5. Running from Hell with El

    Definitely three days straight of near-continual use. Giggle. Spring kills me and every one in my family too. Gah!

  6. EllieAnn

    LoL! This is hilarious. I don’t have a whit of allergies, but my husband has it BAD. Besides all the mucousy stuff you mentioned, he also gets really fatigued and his eyes get bloodshot. Basically, he looks like a zombie.

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