Every year it happens.
It’s why we have commercials with cartoon bees mourning their imposed separation from flowers on CONSTANT ROTATION. It’s why we have at LEAST a thousand different spokespeople living now Claritin Clear.
(HAH. As if Claritin is any match for Tennessee in the Spring. Tennessee in the Spring LAUGHS in the face of antihistamines. Tennessee in the Spring steals Claritin’s lunch money AND Air Jordans, and then later, when they run into each other at the YMCA while on summer break from college, Tennessee in the Spring will steal Claritin’s girlfriend.)
But knowing that it’s basically a rite of passage to summer for roughly 98% of America doesn’t make it any easier.
You guys, Spring is trying to pollinate me, and it hasn’t even bought me dinner yet.
My esophagus is coated with dirty yellow pollen, I CAN FEEL IT. My sinuses are swollen shut. I’ve even called the number on the Afrin box (1-800-317-2165) to ask their customer service department what they mean EXACTLY by “Use for NO MORE than three days.” Like, three days straight, right? What if I only use it at night, does that mean I can actually use it for six days? What if I use it for three days, and then take a day off? Does the three-day count start all over? Come on, Afrin, what REALLY happens if I use it for more than three days?
(For the record, I didn’t call during business hours, so the jury’s still out.)
And because I’m a mouth-breather, I can’t pronounce the letter m – they all just sound like b’s. As in, Happy Bother’s Day! I love you, Bob! Can I have a Nubber Three Cobbo with a Bountain Dew?
Spring, you’re a dirt bag.
Do you have allergies? How’s your snot output been? Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen if I substance-abuse Afrin?