He’s a college professor by day, writer/speaker/blogger buddy to many/Psych fan/80’s baby/dork/history nerd by night. He’s Clay Morgan, you guys, and he’s got something great to share with you. I’m just glad he chose here to share it, because it is FANTASTIC.
No, really. FANTASTIC.
Take it away, Pittsburgh Prof.
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Image from Time.com
When I was a kid I use to lurv getting up on Thanksgiving morning to watch the Macy’s Parade in New York City while fighting with my sisters over who would have to clean the most dishes seven hours later.
As a grownup aged person, I enjoy football a lot. Like a really lot. In fact, my gracious host here Jess and I are in a battle royale of about 40 internet peeps trying to predict the outcome of every NFL game this year. I won’t tell you who’s currently winning between Jess and I, but I will say that it’s me.
Meanwhile, the parade lost its luster for me years ago, so I thought maybe I could increase that old magic by combining these two wonderful American traditions. After all, there’s a big Christmas parade coming up soon.
What follows is my attempt to field a football team out of traditional parade stars. Some of these faves might not roll down Broadway anymore, but they all took the stroll at one point. The task is daunting, but I’m willing to take it on for you. Still, I know you can probably do better, so I hope to hear your suggestions in the comments below.
Here’s my lineup:
OFFENSE
Mr. Potato Head—Tight End
He’s super versatile and can really confuse the defense by offering so many different looks. Badamp-ch!
Bugs Bunny, Underdog, and Spider-Man—Wide Receivers
We can go over, under, or through you. And Spidey never drops a pass.
The Energizer Bunny—Running Back
Go ahead and hit him. He just keeps going and going and going and…
Snoopy—Fullback
The Red Baron knows how to clear a path.
The Rockettes—Offensive line
You might think I’m off base on this one, but you know they’ve got strong legs to drive the pile forward. Also, most of the defenders will be too distracted by said legs to see what the quarterback is doing. Also, I’ll be playing quarterback.
DEFENSE
Santa Claus—Middle Linebacker
I think Santa’s the perfect guy to captain the defense. He got plenty of stamina and great vision. He sees you when you’re passing. He knows if it’s a play fake. He’ll blitz against your run scheme, so be careful for goodness sake.
Woody the Woodpecker—Defensive back/Cornerback
I don’t think Woody still appears, but he was my favorite float as a kid. Loved that guy. If you’ve ever dealt with a woodpecker you know how pesky they are. Great trait for a cornerback.
Po from Kung Fu Panda—Defensive back/Safety
Just try coming across the middle with this big hitter back there. He’ll get fined for plenty of big hits. Skadoosh!
Shrek, Horton the Elephant, Pillsbury Doughboy—Defensive Line
My defense has layers. Like an onion. Or cake.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Sonic the Hedgehog—Kick Returner
Impossible to catch unless he gets distracted by coins.
Kermit the Frog—Kicker
Just makes sense doesn’t it? Those frog legs were made for kickin, not eating. I feel the need to point this out since Jessica is from Tennessee after all.
ORGANIZATIONAL
Rich Uncle Pennybags—Team Owner
There’s a practice field at St. Charles Place even though it’s kind of close to the county jail.
Olive Oyl, Betty Boop, and Scooby Doo—Cheerleading Squad
No, seriously. I really wish these three made up a cheerleading squad.
Popeye—Trainer
Somebody’s gotta keep the team in shape. I’ll take the sailor man and his solid dietary plan.
Kool-Aid Man—Waterboy
Get it?
What float stars would you want on your football team?
Who did I miss?
Meet the Buttrams 
As a kid I waited every year to see the Superman float. He’d play all positions and win.
That’s a good point. But doesn’t make for a very good post. I bet you’d have the honey badger at middle linebacker.
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All I can say is you better have kids some day Clay~
That either means I think like a kid or just have too much time on my hands.
I truly believe I would be best friends with Betty Boop and Olive Oyl if I ever met them. And they were real people. But if they became cheerleaders, would they be too cool to talk to me?
I don’t know about Olive and Betty, but Scooby would never let it go to his head.
Once again I wish I’d had a teacher like you.
You can make football talk entertaining and interesting.
That is a gift.
The secret to getting people’s interest is to lead off with Mr. Potato Head.
The Cat in the Hat for offensive coordinator. Great at naming and rhyming play calls.
Haha, Scooby Doo as a cheerleader. There’s hope for all those would-be cheerleaders out there who never thought they could make a squad. If Scobby can, anyone can.
Yeah, that’s a good one! Cat in the Hat is hired. He’ll also keep the locker room loose.
This is hilarious. Dare I say it: a brilliant concept?
Except…
I read most of your statements with an IYKWIM at the end of them. I could go on and on…
Haha, I knew you would. There’s one that I’m especially proud of 😀
I love the idea of Scooby Doo being on your cheerleading squad. But does Scooby do anything without Shaggy?
Well apparently he goes in the Macy’s Day Parade without Shaggy.
That’s hysterical. How do you think of these things? I’m down with Woody Woodpecker being the best float. I think the only position you’re missing is Daniel Radcliffe, who appeared not as a float but as a star in a new Broadway musical. On your team he could play – who else? – Harry Potter.
Harry Potter can back me up at QB. Like it.
Where would Garfield fit in all of these? I guess a fat, lazy lasagna-lovin’ cat doesn’t really have a place in football. Maybe the mascot?
I LOVED Garfield as a kid. And still now although we haven’t spent much time together over the past 15 years or so. He can chill in the owner’s box with Rich Uncle Pennybags.
Now that I think of it, we need a radio announcer. Suggestions anyone?
Foghorn Leghorn as announcer. Just because.
Brilliant. I was going to say Porky Pig but I’m not sure he was ever a parade balloon, plus your answer is so much better.
Foghorn needs Leghorn, Clay.
Snoopy – but only as a diehard fan because isnt he one of the oldest floats in the parade? I saw this early in the morning and seriously, I can’t do football. Not even like this.
Although, I love your waterboy. What a mess! #iykwim.