He’s a college professor by day, writer/speaker/blogger buddy to many/Psych fan/80’s baby/dork/history nerd by night. He’s Clay Morgan, you guys, and he’s got something great to share with you. I’m just glad he chose here to share it, because it is FANTASTIC.
No, really. FANTASTIC.
Take it away, Pittsburgh Prof.
When I was a kid I use to lurv getting up on Thanksgiving morning to watch the Macy’s Parade in New York City while fighting with my sisters over who would have to clean the most dishes seven hours later.
As a grownup aged person, I enjoy football a lot. Like a really lot. In fact, my gracious host here Jess and I are in a battle royale of about 40 internet peeps trying to predict the outcome of every NFL game this year. I won’t tell you who’s currently winning between Jess and I, but I will say that it’s me.
Meanwhile, the parade lost its luster for me years ago, so I thought maybe I could increase that old magic by combining these two wonderful American traditions. After all, there’s a big Christmas parade coming up soon.
What follows is my attempt to field a football team out of traditional parade stars. Some of these faves might not roll down Broadway anymore, but they all took the stroll at one point. The task is daunting, but I’m willing to take it on for you. Still, I know you can probably do better, so I hope to hear your suggestions in the comments below.
Here’s my lineup:
Mr. Potato Head—Tight End
He’s super versatile and can really confuse the defense by offering so many different looks. Badamp-ch!
Bugs Bunny, Underdog, and Spider-Man—Wide Receivers
We can go over, under, or through you. And Spidey never drops a pass.
The Energizer Bunny—Running Back
Go ahead and hit him. He just keeps going and going and going and…
The Red Baron knows how to clear a path.
The Rockettes—Offensive line
You might think I’m off base on this one, but you know they’ve got strong legs to drive the pile forward. Also, most of the defenders will be too distracted by said legs to see what the quarterback is doing. Also, I’ll be playing quarterback.
Santa Claus—Middle Linebacker
I think Santa’s the perfect guy to captain the defense. He got plenty of stamina and great vision. He sees you when you’re passing. He knows if it’s a play fake. He’ll blitz against your run scheme, so be careful for goodness sake.
Woody the Woodpecker—Defensive back/Cornerback
I don’t think Woody still appears, but he was my favorite float as a kid. Loved that guy. If you’ve ever dealt with a woodpecker you know how pesky they are. Great trait for a cornerback.
Po from Kung Fu Panda—Defensive back/Safety
Just try coming across the middle with this big hitter back there. He’ll get fined for plenty of big hits. Skadoosh!
Shrek, Horton the Elephant, Pillsbury Doughboy—Defensive Line
My defense has layers. Like an onion. Or cake.
Sonic the Hedgehog—Kick Returner
Impossible to catch unless he gets distracted by coins.
Kermit the Frog—Kicker
Just makes sense doesn’t it? Those frog legs were made for kickin, not eating. I feel the need to point this out since Jessica is from Tennessee after all.
Rich Uncle Pennybags—Team Owner
There’s a practice field at St. Charles Place even though it’s kind of close to the county jail.
Olive Oyl, Betty Boop, and Scooby Doo—Cheerleading Squad
No, seriously. I really wish these three made up a cheerleading squad.
Somebody’s gotta keep the team in shape. I’ll take the sailor man and his solid dietary plan.
What float stars would you want on your football team?
Who did I miss?