My Life in Quotations

Whenever I pick up a book, I always read blurbs from other authors before I decide to buy it or, more accurately, borrow from the library. I especially like quotes from authors I am familiar with.

Likewise, here are some quotes about me from various points in my life and taken completely out of context.

You can then decide if you would borrow me from the library.

This metaphor no longer makes sense.

“You remind me of a kiwi.”
Girl I went to church camp with, probably named Lindsey
but definitely not named Veronica Lodge
(Maybe because I’m small and tart?
Hopefully not because I’m round and fuzzy.)

* * *

“She never listens when she dances.”
The Ever-Astute Bug
(We were at a taco place and The Foundations came on the radio
like a Sunday Surprise and I knew 90% of the words, so yes.
OF COURSE I’m going to sing + dance along. It’s math.)

* * *

“If you eat too much of that, you’ll make yourself sick.”
My mother, several times
(This only happened to me once, so WHO’S WRONG NOW, MOM.)

* * *

“We can tell people you’re my ugly twin.”
My 3rd grade best friend Shara Teets
(We convinced a kid in our class we were twins separated at birth.
This was her attempt at making our story more “believable.”
Disclaimer: I included her full name in case she ever Googles herself.)

* * *

“What the crap is up with Jessie’s face?”
My brother-in-law Adam
(In his defense, I should mention that he was talking about this picture:)

But really, we need to know.

What are some hilarious out-of-context quotes about YOU?

(You know, so I can feel better about my oddities.)

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32 Comments

Filed under Humor

32 responses to “My Life in Quotations

  1. My best friend, talking about someone he thought I should know:
    “She’s like you, only nice.”

  2. This post made me LOL. Oh, I have many, but here’s one to start:

    “Yeah, but Heidi Klum is a natural beauty.” -our ever-eloquent father when talking about whether or not I was a pretty pregnant lady (Thanks, Dad).

  3. Love that pic.

    Love this blog idea (especially since I’m busy being a “blurb whore” – getting blurbs for my manuscript/book-to-be).

    You may know my funniest blurbs about me already.

    My DH: “You’re the 3rd funniest woman I’ve ever met.” (Apparently, it was a compliment. #1 was a woman he dated. #2 was a woman he wanted to date).

    My son: “Your talent is sitting.”

    Happy Weekend, my friend!

  4. these are awesome.

    the other night we were playing cutthroat mafia (like murder in the dark) and my brother’s friend pushed me in the shoulder pretty hard during the game and I mentioned it when all the lights were on. “you pushed me!!” “I was flirting with you.” “you didn’t even know it was me!” (it was pitch black.) to which he responded: “I could smell you.”

  5. Ooh! Ooh! I’ve got another one! Except it’s not about me (though it was said… okay, yelled… by me), it’s about Sam.

    “You are the weakest link!”

  6. Yesterday from my father-in-law:

    “please don’t watch porn with any other grandfatherly type person. That would be wrong.”

    Yes, I used to watch a naughty show with him called Life Without Shame.

    Whaaat?

    It was funny! Should I blog about this? I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

    Great post, Kiwi. 😉

  7. “Don’t antagonize the crazy lady.”

    My mom, when we stuck in a tunnel in bumper to bumper traffic and a lady started banging on my window and hollering.

    I may or may not have been banging on the window and hollering back.

  8. I’ve waited 43 years vacillating between whether or not I’d ever get a tattoo…

    I mean, it seems like a “mildly rebellious but still kind of not rebellious” thing to do; because I could always cover it up with clothes or make-up or my hand if I get desperate. Right?

    Plus I like the “idea” of being edgier than I am. Which wouldn’t take much.

    Still, I haven’t come across the right symbol or saying until now. So thank you for giving me the inspiration to take the plunge and have the following inked onto my body:

    WHO’S WRONG NOW, MOM?

    (Not really. But that would be pretty awesome.)

  9. bev

    “My Aunt Bev has SUCH the reputation for being a bridesmaid.”
    The back-story.i was in a wedding, and am sitting at a table full of the bridal party, most importantly, single groomsmen. my CHARMING 8 year old niece, walks up, and turns to the BEST LOOKING groomsman there and says this.
    really, at that point in time, i couldn’t deny it. but when you don’t know that 27 Dresses was basically my life-story up until recently, it sounds a lil funny.

  10. “You’re the biggest dork I know. But I think you knew that already.”
    -A cousin that I used to be friends with

  11. Just last night I was introduced as being “Internally funny”.

    Like….my organs are funny? Or I’m funny but it stays inside? Or….?

    I don’t understand.

  12. Love the face picture and Adam’s comment!

    Last week My son turned to me and said, “Mom, you’re pretty even with all of your wrinkles.” Kill him or hug him? Still deciding so in the meantime, I got a chemical peel!

  13. Marianne

    My son recently noticed his father was going bald “just like jabba the hut.” I”m really glad he likes me.

  14. Elena Aitken

    I’m dying laughing at all of these ‘endorsements’ and sadly can’t think of anything really good. I think I may have blocked them all.

    Recently, while my 9 yr old daughter was working on her short-lived Nano project she did say, “mom, you’re my inspiration. Yup, you and Thea Stilton.”

    Gee, thanks…I’m as inspiring as a fictional rat. Awesome.

    Also, last week…my husband, while giving my son his spelling words said this, “Beautiful. (long pause) Mom, can be beautiful.”
    To which my son (bless him) looked at his father and said, “CAN?! She IS beautiful, Dad!”

    SIGH. Great post!

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