You guys all know how much I enjoy Knox McCoy’s blog. A lot. But something happened recently that made me belligerent enough to type in capital letters. REPETITIVELY.
I’m talking about Knox McCoy’s blatant disregard for the Holy Mount of Krispy Kreme, and our subsequent Twitter-fight that involved the masses:
Now, I’m not saying our blogger-friendship is CONTINGENT on our agreeing on this one thing, but we certainly won’t be meeting for internetual coffee and doughnuts any time EVER.
It goes beyond a mere preference for one over the other, no matter how misguided he may be. No, Mr. McCoy straight up OPEN-HAND-SLAPPED Krispy Kreme in the face. IN DEFENSE OF DUNKIN DONUTS. I know, you guys, I KNOW. That doesn’t even make SENSE. I mean, I WROTE that sentence and I STILL can’t wrap my mind around it.
As meek as I am (right?), I just couldn’t stand by and let Krispy Kreme go unspoken for.
After angrily punching out my Krispy Kreme arguments on Knox’s blog, I realized I had SO MUCH more to say, and since he was wearing a tuxedo for his Awesometown Induction, I really didn’t want to throw punch on him and look like the crazy drunk person crashing the party. So, like Nick Nolte. I didn’t want to look like Nick Nolte.
Hence, The Doughnut War Blog-Off. (Cue reverb.)
Below, you will read my TOTALLY CORRECT AND ELOQUENT argument as to why Krispy Kreme is SUPERIOR to Dunkin Donuts, and then you can go over to Knox’s blog and laugh at his feeble attempts to debate this issue. Really. It’s embarrassing. And then you, fine readers, will vote for your favorite doughnut chain. BIG MONEY IS RIDING ON THIS, PEOPLE. Except substitute “money” with “pride”. And then add the (unverified) consequence of loser of the Doughnut War of the Ages (DWotA) being force-fed a dozen of the winner’s doughnut. And then subtract Knox McCoy’s victory, because IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, LOOK me in the EYE and tell me you have NEVER done a Ren and Stimpy Happy Happy Joy Joy dance in your mind after driving home from a long day at work and seeing Krispy Kreme’s Hot Light glowing like a beacon in the night. IN THE EYE.
That’s right, YOU CAN’T. Krispy Kreme’s Hot Glazed Doughnuts is to America what Pasta is to Italy, what Pastries are to France, what Coffee is to Africa, WHAT PAELLA IS TO ESPANIA. But you know what? Enough of this impassioned, factless argument, no matter how right I am. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.
Longevity: Krispy Kreme first started selling their perfected doughnut (a super-secret recipe purchased from a French – a FRENCH – pastry chef in New Orleans…the HOME OF THE BEIGNET) in 1937. That’s like buying the recipe for manna from God Almighty. Krispy Kreme’s industrial founder sold the first hot glazed doughnuts through a literal HOLE in the WALL. And the masses, they came, not unlike Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. It’s practically BIBLICAL.
Dunkin Donuts, however, began in 1950 with no exciting back story or pride of history to be found on their homepage OR their Wiki page. Homeboy just started making different flavors of generic-tasting doughnuts to go along with their coffee. A practice that continues TO THIS DAY. Did you catch that? Dunkin Donuts started making doughnuts AS AN ACCESSORY.
Hey, here’s a fun fact: The founding of and consequential rise to success of Krispy Kreme coincides with the tail-end of the Great Depression. Ergo, Krispy Kreme symbolizes American resilience. OH, SNAP, I JUST KICKED THIS THING OFF WITH THE BIG GUNS.
Variety of Doughnut Flavors: Per their respective websites, Krispy Kreme offers 27 different kinds, plus one or two seasonal featured flavor. Dunkin Donuts? Considerably more. I stopped counting after 32 and I had only reached the end of the C’s. And as far as Krispy Kreme goes, all but a small handful of the different flavors are really just alterations to the Original Glazed doughnut (i.e., chocolate original glazed, maple original glazed, original glazed stuffed with assorted delicious fillings). But here’s the thing: WHY MESS WITH PERFECTION, FOLKS?
Dunkin Donuts is STILL trying to get it right.
And in that same vein…
Variety of Menu Options: Dunkin Donuts not only has upward of 50 different kind of doughnuts, they also offer bagels, breakfast sandwiches, lunch sandwiches, hash browns, cookies, muffins, BREADSTICKS, for crying out loud. This here, as with their endless list of doughnut flavors, is the CLASSIC Hit-or-Miss mentality: Throw a bunch of stuff out there and consumers are BOUND to like SOMETHING. It’s statistics, people. Over-promise, under-deliver. I’m shaking my head VIOLENTLY right now.
IN STARK CONTRAST, you will only find doughnuts and assorted beverages at Krispy Kreme. They don’t NEED to pad their menu.
You can buy a car, truck, SUV, van, hybrid, or pair of cowboy boots at Ford, but Ferrari ONLY manufactures sports cars. Try THAT one on for size. Did I just say Krispy Kreme was the Ferrari of the doughnut world? YES. Yes, I did.
And don’t even TRY to tell me if you had a million dollars to buy a car with, you would buy a Ford Fusion over this sweet mother.
Likewise, why spend your $10 of doughnut allowance on a rainbow assortment of GROSSLY inferior doughnuts when you could spend it on hot Krispy Kremes, PLUS an extra one for the road if you actually GO IN to the store? (Alternately, why waste those calories on something not even HALF as enjoyable?)
Popularity of Items Sold: According to Dunkin Donuts’ OWN press release, their number one selling item is coffee. COFFEE. Coffee (!!!), which Dunkin Donuts THEMSELVES encourage you to dunk their flavorless doughnuts into. You know, to get more flavor. SIXTY percent of their sales go to coffee, while the other FORTY is split between EVERYTHING ELSE Dunkin Donuts sells (see above for the comprehensive list of blah-ness).
It is AWFULLY telling that Krispy Kreme’s number one selling item is THE DOUGHNUT. Plain and simple. A no-frills, no-bells-and-whistles, timelessly classic doughnut with a touch of glazed goodness. Served hot with a glass of cold milk? I said it once, and I’ll say it again. PERFECTION.
So if Dunkin (Dunkin DONUTS, by the way, is their given name) themselves tout their COFFEE as their MVP, then please. Don’t waste your time with what they consider their second string. You can’t get any less “lovingly made” than that, Mr. McCoy.
In closing, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Krispy Kreme is the GOLD STANDARD of doughnuts in this God-blessed country. Krispy Kreme is Friends, and Dunkin Donuts is the doughnut equivalent of EVERY geographical reiteration of The Real Housewives.
Krispy Kreme is Saved By the Bell while Dunkin Donuts is California Dreams. (That one’s for you, Knox.)
Krispy Kreme is the Alec of the Baldwin brothers while Dunkin Donuts is the only Jonas NOT ALLOWED to be in the band.
Krispy Kreme is married to Rebecca Romijn while Dunkin Donuts was on The Bachelor Season 7. If you don’t understand this analogy, see me after class.
Krispy Kreme is Heidi Klum while Dunkin Donuts is that one time Paula Cole was on the cover of a magazine and refused to shave her armpits.
Krispy Kreme, literally, FOR THE WIN.
In the comments: Krispy Kreme (YES) or Dunkin Donuts (but we can still be friends), and why isn’t Charlie O’Connell at least as famous as his brother?