The Doughnut War of the Ages

You guys all know how much I enjoy Knox McCoy’s blog. A lot. But something happened recently that made me belligerent enough to type in capital letters. REPETITIVELY.

I’m talking about Knox McCoy’s blatant disregard for the Holy Mount of Krispy Kreme, and our subsequent Twitter-fight that involved the masses:

Now, I’m not saying our blogger-friendship is CONTINGENT on our agreeing on this one thing, but we certainly won’t be meeting for internetual coffee and doughnuts any time EVER.

It goes beyond a mere preference for one over the other, no matter how misguided he may be. No, Mr. McCoy straight up OPEN-HAND-SLAPPED Krispy Kreme in the face. IN DEFENSE OF DUNKIN DONUTS. I know, you guys, I KNOW. That doesn’t even make SENSE. I mean, I WROTE that sentence and I STILL can’t wrap my mind around it.

As meek as I am (right?), I just couldn’t stand by and let Krispy Kreme go unspoken for.

After angrily punching out my Krispy Kreme arguments on Knox’s blog, I realized I had SO MUCH more to say, and since he was wearing a tuxedo for his Awesometown Induction, I really didn’t want to throw punch on him and look like the crazy drunk person crashing the party. So, like Nick Nolte. I didn’t want to look like Nick Nolte.

Hence, The Doughnut War Blog-Off. (Cue reverb.)

Below, you will read my TOTALLY CORRECT AND ELOQUENT argument as to why Krispy Kreme is SUPERIOR to Dunkin Donuts, and then you can go over to Knox’s blog and laugh at his feeble attempts to debate this issue. Really. It’s embarrassing. And then you, fine readers, will vote for your favorite doughnut chain. BIG MONEY IS RIDING ON THIS, PEOPLE. Except substitute “money” with “pride”. And then add the (unverified) consequence of loser of the Doughnut War of the Ages (DWotA) being force-fed a dozen of the winner’s doughnut. And then subtract Knox McCoy’s victory, because IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, LOOK me in the EYE and tell me you have NEVER done a Ren and Stimpy Happy Happy Joy Joy dance in your mind after driving home from a long day at work and seeing Krispy Kreme’s Hot Light glowing like a beacon in the night. IN THE EYE.

That’s right, YOU CAN’T. Krispy Kreme’s Hot Glazed Doughnuts is to America what Pasta is to Italy, what Pastries are to France, what Coffee is to Africa, WHAT PAELLA IS TO ESPANIA. But you know what? Enough of this impassioned, factless argument, no matter how right I am. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.

Longevity: Krispy Kreme first started selling their perfected doughnut (a super-secret recipe purchased from a French – a FRENCH – pastry chef in New Orleans…the HOME OF THE BEIGNET) in 1937. That’s like buying the recipe for manna from God Almighty. Krispy Kreme’s industrial founder sold the first hot glazed doughnuts through a literal HOLE in the WALL. And the masses, they came, not unlike Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. It’s practically BIBLICAL.

Dunkin Donuts, however, began in 1950 with no exciting back story or pride of history to be found on their homepage OR their Wiki page. Homeboy just started making different flavors of generic-tasting doughnuts to go along with their coffee. A practice that continues TO THIS DAY. Did you catch that? Dunkin Donuts started making doughnuts AS AN ACCESSORY.

Hey, here’s a fun fact: The founding of and consequential rise to success of Krispy Kreme coincides with the tail-end of the Great Depression. Ergo, Krispy Kreme symbolizes American resilience. OH, SNAP, I JUST KICKED THIS THING OFF WITH THE BIG GUNS.

Variety of Doughnut Flavors: Per their respective websites, Krispy Kreme offers 27 different kinds, plus one or two seasonal featured flavor. Dunkin Donuts? Considerably more. I stopped counting after 32 and I had only reached the end of the C’s. And as far as Krispy Kreme goes, all but a small handful of the different flavors are really just alterations to the Original Glazed doughnut (i.e., chocolate original glazed, maple original glazed, original glazed stuffed with assorted delicious fillings). But here’s the thing: WHY MESS WITH PERFECTION, FOLKS?

Dunkin Donuts is STILL trying to get it right.

And in that same vein…

Variety of Menu Options: Dunkin Donuts not only has upward of 50 different kind of doughnuts, they also offer bagels, breakfast sandwiches, lunch sandwiches, hash browns, cookies, muffins, BREADSTICKS, for crying out loud. This here, as with their endless list of doughnut flavors, is the CLASSIC Hit-or-Miss mentality: Throw a bunch of stuff out there and consumers are BOUND to like SOMETHING. It’s statistics, people. Over-promise, under-deliver. I’m shaking my head VIOLENTLY right now.

Krispy : Dunkin as Ferrari :: Ford

IN STARK CONTRAST, you will only find doughnuts and assorted beverages at Krispy Kreme. They don’t NEED to pad their menu.

You can buy a car, truck, SUV, van, hybrid, or pair of cowboy boots at Ford, but Ferrari ONLY manufactures sports cars. Try THAT one on for size. Did I just say Krispy Kreme was the Ferrari of the doughnut world? YES. Yes, I did.

And don’t even TRY to tell me if you had a million dollars to buy a car with, you would buy a Ford Fusion over this sweet mother.

Likewise, why spend your $10 of doughnut allowance on a rainbow assortment of GROSSLY inferior doughnuts when you could spend it on hot Krispy Kremes, PLUS an extra one for the road if you actually GO IN to the store? (Alternately, why waste those calories on something not even HALF as enjoyable?)

Popularity of Items Sold: According to Dunkin Donuts’ OWN press release, their number one selling item is coffee. COFFEE. Coffee (!!!), which Dunkin Donuts THEMSELVES encourage you to dunk their flavorless doughnuts into. You know, to get more flavor. SIXTY percent of their sales go to coffee, while the other FORTY is split between EVERYTHING ELSE Dunkin Donuts sells (see above for the comprehensive list of blah-ness).

It is AWFULLY telling that Krispy Kreme’s number one selling item is THE DOUGHNUT. Plain and simple. A no-frills, no-bells-and-whistles, timelessly classic doughnut with a touch of glazed goodness. Served hot with a glass of cold milk? I said it once, and I’ll say it again. PERFECTION.

So if Dunkin (Dunkin DONUTS, by the way, is their given name) themselves tout their COFFEE as their MVP, then please. Don’t waste your time with what they consider their second string. You can’t get any less “lovingly made” than that, Mr. McCoy.

In closing, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Krispy Kreme is the GOLD STANDARD of doughnuts in this God-blessed country. Krispy Kreme is Friends, and Dunkin Donuts is the doughnut equivalent of EVERY geographical reiteration of The Real Housewives.

Krispy Kreme is Saved By the Bell while Dunkin Donuts is California Dreams. (That one’s for you, Knox.)

Krispy Kreme is the Alec of the Baldwin brothers while Dunkin Donuts is the only Jonas NOT ALLOWED to be in the band.

Krispy Kreme is married to Rebecca Romijn while Dunkin Donuts was on The Bachelor Season 7. If you don’t understand this analogy, see me after class.

Krispy Kreme is Heidi Klum while Dunkin Donuts is that one time Paula Cole was on the cover of a magazine and refused to shave her armpits.

Krispy Kreme, literally, FOR THE WIN.

In the comments: Krispy Kreme (YES) or Dunkin Donuts (but we can still be friends), and why isn’t Charlie O’Connell at least as famous as his brother?

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42 Comments

Filed under Humor

42 responses to “The Doughnut War of the Ages

  1. The California Dreams one hurt the most. I need some time.

  2. I am allergic to donuts. We don’t have DD in Canada. My bro’s wedding cake was an artful pile of KKs. No one really ate them. The next day, that location went under. So.

    The only answer to this question I can possibly provide is this: come to Canada and you can discuss it over a Tim Horton’s donut.

  3. Check and Mate Knox. I am glad my 1st time commenting over here will be to align myself with those of Krispy Kreme desire!

  4. I stand by what I said. Sometimes a girl just wants a delicious old fashioned, no glaze donut. And KK makes me poop like WHOA

  5. I don’t understand how this could even be a debate. I’m a bit worried about anyone who would defend Dunkin Donuts when such a thing as Krispy Kreme exists in this world. I take that back, I’m seriously worried.

  6. Oh JButt, you totally owned this debate. After reading Knox’s tirade, I was insulted by being likened to Mullet Man for liking KKs. (It’s KK, not KK-K, for goodness’ sake!) Plus, his DD photo did NOT help his case — because I saw CAKE donuts in there. Ew.

    In contrast, you invoked “SBTB” vs. “California Dreams” and the phrase “sweet mother.”

    By the time I finished reading yours, I was/am dying for a fluffy KK and some milk. WIN!

  7. Okay, I am commenting under the assumption that Knox will not be making further visits to these particular comments. Because I am a die-hard Knox acolyte. Or something.

    First, you should def guest-post for Knox whenever he is too busy (watching TV) to write posts. You’re that good.

    Second, I will disclose that when we lived in Atlanta for 11 years, I became a KK-lover (partly because there was, like, one sad DD outlet in the entire state.) There was this one little KK store in downtown ATL that we’d go to late at night every time we went to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory (I know…gross. We were in our 20’s and could afford to consume 8000 calories per square meal.)

    KK didn’t have any stores in Portland (where we live now) until a few years ago, at which time they opened their first store, at which time the lines were HOURS long, for a long time.

    We may or may not possess a t-shirt from said grand opening.

    However, if Knox stops by, I will swear on my copy of “On Writing” that you hacked my blog AND my email address, to post this comment yourself.

  8. I think I should not write interviews ever again.

    This is too much goodness, like a whole dozen hot Krispy Kremes.

  9. Meghan

    You owned this debate, JButt. I don’t eat donuts, you know, cuz of the whole gluten intolerance thing, but I’m seriously considering a KK fo’ life tattoo. I keeps it classy.

  10. I went way off-script from my low carb diet to put this doughnut war to the test; sadly, as you know from Instagram, I went to DD (there was no KK nearby). Don’t tell the “Real” McCoy this, but the doughnuts were chewy, and the coffee was cold. Tomorrow, I’ll have to find a KK (though neither one holds a candle to Rainbow Doughnuts here in Phoenix).

    • I LOVE your enthusiasm and integrity and dedication to this war. You, sir, get the doughnut war equivalent of the Purple Heart.

      • Thanks–I need it. Do Purple Hearts help with upset stomachs? Cause I ate 3 doughnuts (maple glazed longjohn, custard bismarck, & a chocolate creme filled powdered monstrosity– looked like a poop-filled doughnut), followed by an Xtra large, turbo-shotted (cold) coffee. Now my stomach hurts.

  11. Also, KK is one letter K away from… you know
    and also also, when you look at a not hot KK donut… it looks nasty. the dried glaze looks like something Dr. Oz would show when doing a segment on trans fats or something.
    and also also also… still sticking with my poop argument

  12. I was gonna say Krispy Kreme all the way without thinking. Then I kept reading to see whose side that put me on. Then I saw some points about the variety of Dunkin Donuts. I do love those munchkins which made me think of smidge which you’ll appreciate Jess. So in the end I think Dunkin Donuts has historically made better commercials but KK is the one for me.

  13. Jess:

    Please don’t kill me. We have no KK on my parts. We used to, but they went out of business! We have lots of DD’s and Tim Horton’s all over da place. And honestly, I can’t argue for either side.

    Because Hubby once at a lot of KK’s -yes he stuffed himself like a pig –and then he barfed. Guess who had to clean up? So it’s tainted for me, love. But I agree that DD is only good for coffee.

    Do any of these places donate their leftovers? That might clinch it for me. Our local Timmy’s are bastards about it. They throw everything away at night. It’s a sin. If KK or DD donates their perishables to the needy, well… that’d be the group that gets my vote.

  14. I like you, I do.

    Really.

    But here’s what your argument sounded like to me:

    Jess: I like sugar poop!
    Knox: Well-crafted donuts and a variety of delectable options are pleasant.
    Jess: SUGAR POOP!
    Knox: And I don’t wanna look like THAT guy (insert cousin pic).
    Jess: POOOOOOOOOP!

    In conclusion, you make puppies cry.

    Good day, ma’am – I say good day!

    • Gasp. Ricardo, I am hurt – stung! – that you would reduce my well-thought-out and thoroughly-researched (I mean, I included links, sir!) to poop just because you prefer Dunkin.

      Or was it because you were afraid of losing Knox’s friendship while I made no demand of the sort?

      It’s okay. Your secret is safe with me.

  15. Happy meals

    I gotta say, I like Krispy kremes, but jbutts ridiculosity is what really sold it. Touché, ma’am, touché.

  16. I’m a KK girl all the way. And this is inspite of eating a KK after chemo and barfing my guts out. Now I know it was the chemo that caused the barfing but try telling that to my stomach. It took me years to try KK again, and thankfully, it was delicious and no barfing ensued.

    I do have to say that you almost lost me by comparing DD to the Real Housewives. It’s just this kind of salvo that starts wars, and we all know that Teresa Guidice is already riled up from the reunion show. I’m going to go all Caroline Manzo on you and give you the benefit of the doubt. You just didn’t know better. “Those who know better, do better.” Crisis averted.

    • I forgot to say I agree with Amy P. on the cake donut comment. Cake donuts are not, by any definition – including their name, donuts. They are little fried circles of grease-infused cake batter. They are heavy and coat the roof of your mouth with lard (or something). To include a picture of them was a rookie mistake.

  17. The first Krispy Kreme I ever saw was in NYC’s Penn Station. I met a friend there and we picked up the doughnuts and that was our dinner. And it was totally awesome. DD’s just can’t replicate that light and glossy sweetness. But I still go to DD’s because that’s all we have in my neighborhood. Beggars can’t be choosers.

    So, yes to Krispy Kreme, but still friends with Dunkin’ Donuts.

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