Month’s-End Nonsense

1. I received an accidental text from a stranger the other day asking if she could come over for a nap. I really wanted to text her back saying, Sure! but then I realized I would never get to witness her awkward arrival at her friend’s place unannounced, hopefully with a Pillow Pet under her arm. So since I do everything for self-gratification, I instead texted her this (I hope I made her laugh):

2. I literally have an Excel spreadsheet devoted to statistical formulas predicting the outcome of every NFL game this season. In other news, my brain has missed math like the desert has missed the rain.

3. Bug has had really long runs in both football games of the season so far. The kid is fast and elusive. But these runs have not yet culminated in a touchdown. Right before he gets to the end zone, he runs out of steam and/or trips. If he ever goes pro, there’s a good chance his plays would make ESPN’s Play-of-the-Week, and not for awesomeness.

4. Bean is a cellist. Don’t believe me?

Youngest Cellist EVER. Probably.

5. I finally paid my library fines, which means I finally got to check out Tina Fey’s book Bossy Pants. I’ve considered ignoring my children for the remainder of the day to read it, but I’ll wait until bedtime.

6. I was talking to a college kid the other day, and in our conversation, he said “excrapolate.” I plan to use this pronunciation whenever I say that word from now on and forever and ever amen.

7. Bean gives me a heart attack on a daily basis. When I lose sight of her for exactly eleven seconds, I will usually find her climbing to the top of some place very high. Not as in, the roof, but like trying to repel off the stove, or surfing in her baby swing.

8. Remember plastic bubbles?

You guys, PLASTIC BUBBLES!

9. Pretty sure David Crowder Band forgot to consult me when they decided to retire. Luckily, there’s NeedtoBreathe.

10. Want to come over for dinner?

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23 Comments

Filed under Humor

23 responses to “Month’s-End Nonsense

  1. bill w.

    I miss you guys…

    dad

  2. 10. Yes.

    🙂 That could have been me who texted you.

    I’d like to try surfing a baby swing but I think I’d break a hip.

  3. I love this post! #1 cracked me up, and Bean is ADORABLE!

  4. I have received accidental texts and answered them. For a while. Until things got awkward. Them I confessed.

    It occurs to me that I probably shouldn’t do that. I might get shived.

    Just something I excrapolated recently. 😉

  5. I also want to use excrapolate forever and ever. As for you and football, I see you’ve brought your nerdy A game this year. I declare here and now that I want to beat you. Nothing personal since your the tops, a real peach, one of my faves see? But in the name of conquering nefarious math stuff, I vow to win on instinct and sports knowledge. Maybe. And most of my students just nap during class.

    • Had to come back to say that I just checked the football standings and you and I are sitting one and two this minute even though many games are still being played. We’re the best I think. If they write a sitcom about us I wonder if it will be called The Professor and Smidge.

      • I’m working on a pilot as we speak.

        Also, I never initiate smack talk because I’m superstitious and am convinced that it inevitably leads to my downfall. However?

        IT IS ON.

        By the way, you totally jinxed me. Did you see how far I have fallen? It’s ALL your fault.

  6. Elena Aitken

    I love the accidental texts. I got one once and I actually ended up giving the poor soul instructions on how to navigate the bus system. Hope she figured it out, I haven’t been on the bus system in about 18 years.

    • How awesome. If you still have her number you should check and make sure she’s not lost in some urban jungle somewhere.

      I’ve never carried an accidental text thread past confirming they got the wrong number.

  7. I usually suck it up in my football pool but last week I won it. I think the difference is I’ve gone from taking 30 seconds to make my pics to taking 20 seconds. I was over-analyzing.

    Nice self-constraint with Bossy Pants.

    • I think that’s my problem. I mean, it’s gone from averaging points scored and points allowed to adding extra weight to home games, injury lists, who’s coming off a win, and how nice Tom Brady’s hair is looking.

      Clearly, I’ve got too much time on my hands.

      And Bossypants is not disappointing.

  8. “Excrapolate” is fabulous. It reminds me of a story my dear friend tells from when she was teaching a freshman honors English class.

    She said something along the lines of this with regards to To Kill a Mockingbird:

    “So really, Scout is just exacerbating the problem.”

    At which point a young man in her class coughed and said something along the lines of this:

    “I didn’t know girls DID that.”

    Oh yeah.

  9. Oh yeah – and an actual COLLEAGUE of ours (and English teacher – oops) once attempted to allude to the Rime of the Ancient Mariner by saying a particular student he’d been struggling with was a real albacore around his neck.

    He wasn’t kidding, either.

    It was hard to not refer to the man as Tuna after that.
    (We refrained when he was in our presence. That’s all I can promise.)

  10. The first thing I saw when coming over to your page was that HILARIOUS text message! Love it!

  11. I base all my football picks on:

    Who’s NOT the Cowboys, Broncos or Raiders
    The teams I’ve heard of (this includes teams up through 1998)
    What the computer tells me

    As you can see, this is clearly working out for me.

    What? Oh, you didn’t know I was in the pool?

    Scroll down a bit.

    Now a bit more.

    There I am!

  12. bethanybwriting

    just reading your post. Am home right now – long story there… Showed my mom the picture of Bean playing the cello and she said it was the cutest thing ever! And I agree on the needtobreathe statement.

  13. Loved it. Love you. Love your posts. So, what time is dinner?

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