Okay, so I just got back from eating lunch with Bug at school, and I’m pretty sure I left a few pieces of my broken heart littering their hallways.
I know my kid is growing exponentially. He’s like, six feet tall. Ish. But when he was around the other kids, kids I haven’t seen since last year, kids that are roughly my size (embarrassed), the realization that he is actually a not-so-tiny man hit me like a sucker punch.
When Bug was in kindergarten, I joined him for lunch often (coincidentally on the days they served Square Pizza) and our little table talked about not having to take naps anymore, or their favorite Pixar movie, or how they wished their moms had come for lunch, too.
Last year, we sat around the tables talking about superheroes and what they were going to ask Santa for on their Christmas lists, and how the girls team could never catch the boys team during recess.
We talked football.
One kid asked me if I had caught the Titans/Ravens game. I said I had, and then he started asking me if I had seen certain plays of the game. One kid asked me who my favorite team was, and when I told him Auburn he said, “You know they only won the national championship last year because of Cam Newton, right?”
Cue screeching tires sound effect. (Is there a button or something for that?)
Did I just get smack-talked by a second grader?
When I recovered, I laughed and agreed, saying yes, a couple of Auburn’s key players from last season did go pro, but there’s several on the offensive line who can still make things happen for the Tigers…and then he blinked and informed me, “Cam Newton plays for Carolina.”
WHO ARE THESE KIDS? Is this that unknown result of consuming too much HGH environmentalists warned us about? When I was in second grade, I’m pretty sure I was still learning how to walk. (Or something.) I do remember buying a Troy Aikman poster with my Scholastic Book Fair money once, but that was in fifth grade. FIFTH GRADE, people.
I am not prepared for this.
If I sat Bug down and made him sit still, do you think this whole growing up nonsense will slow down? At least long enough for me to process it. So, like, indefinitely. I can handle indefinitely.