What? Can this be? Two guest posts almost in a row? I know what you’re thinking and no, you didn’t win the lottery. Does this look like Gringotts to you? Because that’s where I keep my lottery winnings.
Today I’m proud to hand over the Buttram name to Tyler Tarver, math teacher extraordinaire by day, multi-faceted funny man by night (but not only by night…round the clock, really) who also wrote a book (that is so IN right now!) that he is selling here, and blogging about nonstop here. Truer than fiction: I had to read his book wearing footie pajamas sitting by the fireplace with mittens. Mittens is what I call my leather armchair. Was it 100 degrees outside? Maybe, I didn’t notice, because Tyler Tarver’s book was so cool I was losing body heat from the top of my head because I forgot to put on a hat and 90% of your body heat leaves from your head because it’s the highest point of altitude on your body and heat rises. Trust me, I majored* in Biology 101, fools.
Read his guest post, laugh with him, solve for x, and then go buy his book so he can eat something other than mashed bananas and rain water. Just kidding, he also gets croutons from the Ruby Tuesday salad bar.
Extra credit: Tarver also promised that if you buy his book, he’ll make NSYNC get back together**. And I’m pretty sure four out of five of them need that to happen.
*By majored I mean just barely passed.
**I’m not entirely sure this is doable, but you NEVER question a teacher.
In honor of Buttram’s love for boy band music and my equal love for only the greatest undisputed boy band of all time ahem*Nsync*ahem. I just said Nsync right there insinuating that they’re the greatest boy band that I was referring to, I didn’t know if you caught that cause my hands coughed while I was typing it.
Since Nsync are essentially poets who know it, I thought I’d write a poem about my son and the progression of his life up to a point in which I’ll stop.
My Son and NSYNC
My dearest Titus,
Like a unicorn has a horn.
I have a son,
Ever since you were born
You’re still fairly fresh,
Being just one year old.
But you’re definitely my favorite,
Just like Helvetica Bold.
But not too many years from now,
You’ll get older and cooler and that’ll be great.
I’ll make you great at things,
You’ll train like you’re a freight.
Yeah your mom can play the guitar,
And that’s all wonderful and crap.
But I’ll teach you real music,
Like dropping beats and rap.
By the age of seven,
You’ll have like 30 chicks on the line.
They can’t handle your fly,
They’ll all think you’re “just so fine.”
You’ll expand this little music career,
You’ll get famous and rich.
You’ll grab anything you want,
Like Harry Potter snagged the snitch.
It’ll culminate at the Grammy’s,
Of which you’ll dominate.
And then finally you’ll introduce me,
To Justin Timberlake.
I love *Nsync, and I love my son (not in that order).
Tyler Tarver is a father, math teacher, and noncardiologist. You can check out his website tylertarver.com, subscribe to it here, check him on Twitter @tylertarver, or just buy his brand new toilet book which he won’t shut up about titled Words&Sentences that four people have said is “funnier than sliced bread.”
In the comments: Poetry contest! Tarver doesn’t know it yet, but he’ll be judging the winner using an intricate method of form, skill, rhyme scheme, and a random number generator. Winner gets a FREE copy of his new book, Words&Sentences.