Cranky, Spanky, and Cries

Get it? It’s a play on “healthy, wealthy, and wise,” because this past week we have all been early to bed and early to rise, thanks to school, but…you know what, that’s enough, I’m sure you get it, and I’m sure I just overkilled it. Sorry. I have a sense of humor people have defined as, “quirky,” which is just a polite way to say, “unfunny.”

So back to life, back to reality, Bug is now finishing his first week of second grade. This means several things for me (and Bean):

I. Getting up at 6:30 is way too early to start thinking about what to fix for breakfast. But since I’ve vowed to have a hot meal waiting for a bleary-eyed Bug this year, getting up at 6:30 is also necessary.

  • A. The Montessori school up the road starts a whole 45 minutes later than the public schools. Is the extra 45 minutes of sleep worth the private school tuition? No, but ask me again after a few weeks of zombie-like awareness.
  • B. My vow allows some leeway.

II. Bug is not a morning person. I am not a morning person. Hubs is not a morning person. The only one who wakes up happy is Bean, and she sleeps in her own urine, so her opinion about morning doesn’t count.

  • A. Three non-morning people stumbling around the house getting ready for school/work/the day in general does not a happy home make.
  • B. Is that stubborn cowlick really worth the temper tantrum? Some would say not, Hubs. (Psych, Bug is the one whimpering over his reflection, at least until he gets some food in his tummy. Then it’s all karate chops and sword fights from there.)

III. I can actually get to the gym. Haha, good one, just seeing if you were still paying attention.

  • A. What I really meant was, I can finally watch the Netflix DVDs I’ve had since April, as well as the dozens of Conan episodes monopolizing our DVR. (Sorry, Hubs, but consider: do you really need to record that episode of Swamp People? Spoiler alert: they wrassle gators and talk funny. Says the Alabamian.)
  • B. My skinny jeans might have a different opinion of the gym.

IV. I can write. Without Disney Channel, constant requests for a snack, Transformer duels, and/or (and) an ongoing game of Categories interrupting my flow. Opus, here I come!

  • A. Oh, yeah, and Bean can actually get a full nap without all of the above noises.
  • B. I tend to ignore Hubs when he asks when I want to go back to work, so if I can start getting paid for this writing gig, then my answer can be, “Never! Bahaha!”
    • 1. Evil laugh mandatory.
    • 2. I’ll also consider job openings for a professional laugher.

V. After an entire summer of all day, everyday togetherness, Bug and Bean have started to annoy the crap out of each other (see Exhibit A). Now that they spend a full seven hours apart, they can go back to missing each other by the time 3:00 rolls around.

  • A. Don’t you hate it when Babyzilla comes along and wrecks the wicked cool K’nex roller coaster you spent three hours building?
  • B. And don’t you hate it when you’re minding your own business, playing with blocks or eating crumbs off the floor, and your big brother picks you up and moves you just because he can?
  • C. And don’t you hate it when one kid is squalling because she isn’t allowed to eat crumbs off the floor, and the other kid is tattling on his sister for wrecking his wicked cool K’nex roller coaster SEVENTEEN TIMES A DAY?

Although, I have to admit, they're still pretty stinkin' cute.

And that’s just the five-point outline I’ve prepared for today. I didn’t even mention how I can now tell you what day of the week it is (as opposed to, “Not Sunday” and “Not Trash Day”), or how 3/4 of the house are now required to change out of pajamas before 8AM.

Then again, I guess I could drop Bug off in my pajamas, but no one wants to see my puppy feet pants. That’s an intimacy I’m just not ready to afford the fifth graders manning the car rider lane.



Filed under Parenting

21 responses to “Cranky, Spanky, and Cries

  1. A. I want to see your puppy feet pants.

    B. Sleeping in your own urine may just be unrecognized efficiency.

    C. I’m totally getting my resume together for that Professional Laugher position. (Consider me competition. But I’ll go with “muwahahaha” so we can differentiate ourselves.)

    D. Happy back to school. Hooray!

    • A. They’re embarrassing. Truly. I should have gotten rid of them when I started buying animal-themed pajamas for my own children.

      B. Apparently it makes you happy, too.

      C. There’s room for all of us in this profession.

      D. Hip hip hooray, even!

  2. “she sleeps in her own urine, so her opinion about morning doesn’t count”. that was great.

  3. Sometimes I think sleeping in your own urine beats waking up twice to pee. Now there’s a watch-what-you-wish-for comment!

    Great post.

    Good luck with the morning…

  4. Canadians are several weeks behind Americans in getting back to school but I’ve been excited ever since we bought supplies two weeks ago.

    First time reading your blog – your vow to make a hot breakfast for your kiddo – I was impressed in a ‘I hate her because she makes real mothers look bad’ but realized your disclaimer made you into a real person.

    Also can relate to hubby asking if I’m ever going to make money at this writing/speaking thing. My reason to be a stay at home mom left me 5 years ago to go to grade 1, and I’ve no interest in starting another career and/or going back to the old one.

    Enjoyed the post; I’ll be back.

  5. I would’ve guessed you’re a Conan person. Me too. Conan people are just funnier than other people.

    Still a week here before back-to-school mode. I make big breakfast spreads for the kids but they never seem hungry that early. So I get a really big breakfast.

    • Conan rubs off on people.

      I’m always amazed when I wake up that I just went eight hours without eating. I’d invite us over for your breakfast spread, but by the time we got there, the bacon would be cold. And that’s just a travesty.

  6. “She sleeps in her own urine, so her opinion about morning doesn’t count.”

    I think I am going to try that when we go to NYC next week.

    I mean, we’ll be in a hotel, so who cares, right?

    I wonder if Hubby will think peeing in the bed is sexy.

    Maybe I don’t really want to open that door.

    Let me know what you watch on Netflix.

    I’m guessing if I pull a stunt like that, I’m going to be on the couch. A lot. 😉

    • Hahaha, let me know how that, ahem, arrangement works out for you. It would be a time saver, you know.

      And if it makes you wake up happy, it might put an end to any coffee habit you might have.

      As far as Netflix, I finally finished watching the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. Next up is Date Night. Sooooo behind.

  7. That picture is fantastic. 🙂 I’m really looking forward to getting back in the school routine! Starting monday my three oldest are on the bus at 7am! Yippee!

  8. “Quirky” means unfunny? Oops.

    Is there a better assessment of a person than “The only one who wakes up happy is Bean, and she sleeps in her own urine, so her opinion about morning doesn’t count.”

    I think not.

  9. Morning haters of the world unite! I abhor the mornings. They are plain torture and I’m sadistic enough to be comforted in the fact that I am not the only AM hater alive. Funny post.

    I wonder what Jesus saw in the mornings? He always used that time to get away and pray and have some Jesus time. He could’ve chosen the night but he arose early and loved on the mornings.

    Here’s to a great year! We will survive!

  10. You are so not unfunny. Double negative. Imagine my life. I home school. There is no relief…

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