Dear Steve Jobs,
I’m sorry, I just can’t help curtsying.
I don’t know what you did this weekend to celebrate the 4th of July (but if I had to guess, I’d say you time traveled to have brunch with George Washington, while Martha whipped up some cherry pie for dessert, I mean that’s what I would do if I had your resources), but I’m assuming you weren’t trolling the Internet. I mean, I’m like, a billion times less popular than you (give or take), and even I didn’t do that. Much.
So I’m assuming you missed something of import that happened in my neck of the inter-woods. Don’t worry, because like a baby girl horse, Imma ’bout to filly you in. Clever, right? Feel free to borrow that for the next WWSJD convention.
See, there’s this website that’s pretty popular amongst Apple fanatics, accurately called Cult of Mac. I’m talking 15,000-likes-on-Facebook popular. I know, right? Of course, that number probably doesn’t represent the multi-billion-dollar industry you are galloping into the future abreast Pegasus wings, but like most under(non)paid folks, I’m choosing to ignore that.
Any hoo said the lonely owl, over the holiday weekend, my last letter to you popped up on their homepage. I noticed (when I checked my stats casually and not at all obsessively to see if my mom read my blog more than once that day) that my blog (this one, right here) had exploded in hits. Like, 700%, if we’re being mathematical, and why shouldn’t we be, we’re both geniuses, separated by the tiny detail of a $953 insanillion net worth.
Side note: How does an insanillionaire get paid? Bi-weekly? Direct deposit? Quarterly bonus? Do you have a vault at Gringotts where you can actually swim in a pool of gold coins? I realize I’m crossbreeding references to Harry Potter and Duck Tales, but that’s better than inbreeding, amiright?
Back on point, I feel like I owe you some, nay, most of the credit for my sudden surge in blog readership. And consequently, I am entertaining the thought of starting all my blog posts from here on out with “Dear Steve Jobs”. Kind of like how, in junior high, I started all my journal entries with, “Dear JJ,” as in, “Jessie’s Journal.” I mean, that is infinitely more poignant than “Dear Diary,” wouldn’t you agree?
Additionally, I feel it necessary to point out (after seeing my debut on cultofmac.com and some of the subsequent comments) that I do not actually believe that by addressing you on my blog, I am somehow emailing you my words of affirmation. (Although, I’m betting that’s your love language.)
(I feel like I can say that confidently, after all we’ve been through),
PS, Are you the one who found my blog with the search terms, “Steve Jobs Best Pic Sean Connery”? Don’t worry, I won’t tell.