Dear Steve Jobs, An Open Letter

Dear Steve Jobs,

You can’t see me right now (right? You don’t have some super techno one-way mirror scratch-and-sniff MacBook or anything, do you?) but I just curtsied. It felt right like the hand I write with. Haha, get it? Just a little humor to get us started. I promise I’m not that funny IRL, which stands for “in real life” and not “Earl” like I originally thought. Confusing, I know. You’re welcome.

Do you pronounce your name as in, “I’d like to have one of the cool jobs at Apple,” or like, “Job(s) of the Bible was one unlucky dude”? Just wondering, because I think it’s hilarious when people mispronounce my last name (go on, try it, hilarious, right? Best compound surname EVER) but most people just get annoyed.

So, just curious, what will the iPhone 5 have that the iPhone 4 doesn’t? More specifically, what can the iPhone 5 withstand? Like, will it be nuclear war proof?

Haha, good one, right? But seriously.

Because I drove off the other day with my iPhone 4 on top of my car (what, I had a billion things in my hands plus my one-year-old daughter plus I was running late plus shut up haha just kidding I didn’t mean shut up like shut your mouth I meant shut up your attic so you don’t get bats please don’t judge me) and when I got home and went searching for it, I found it in the middle of the road just outside my subdivision.

It was hot from the sun, it had tire treads (!) on it, and it looked like the screen had been warped. My heart was all achy and breaky, mostly because Billy Ray cut off that sweet mullet, partially because I was afraid my husband would ground me, and also because I didn’t want to spend the money to buy a new one two months after buying that one.

But after I removed the case and its clear shield, my iPhone was unscathed. Unscathed, I say!

So, because it WILL (might) happen to someone else one day (if s/he is also a dunce), I am here to say, rest assured. I am living proof that it can get tossed from a moving vehicle, run over, and left to hang out in the middle of the road for a few hours on the hottest day of the summer, and it’ll all be chill.

This is my thank you note for making an incredible product that is also klutz-proof. If the iPhone 5 just happens to be nuclear war proof, I will have to upgrade, because I will inevitably find a nuclear war to drop it in.

An Apple fan for life,
Mostly because my iPhone will survive my hijinks,


Sent from my iPhone



Filed under Humor

19 responses to “Dear Steve Jobs, An Open Letter

  1. hahaha.. thats funny.. I’m a clutz as well and unlike ur luck.. my screen (front and BACK) have both shattered at various times, and suprisingly cases do nothing for me.. they just crack and break after one drop.. so my iphone does better on its own.. although, I did drop it in the road outside the place I was staying at and drove off and if it wasn’t for the mexican non-english speaking gardner that planned to take it home to sell, I would have never found it! (I had to ask him 10 times if he saw my phone.. it wasnt until i said it in spanish did he go into his truck and pull it out of his glove box!.. did he not think of turning it into my GRANDMA!) ok rant over. I love apple as well.

    • My husband’s iPod didn’t fare so well when my 1-year-old dropped it on the tile floor from half an inch off the ground. But they replaced it for free because I had to wait 30 minutes past my Genius Bar appointment. Whatever people have to say about Apple, they do know how to keep their consumers happy. Or, addicted.

  2. You should send this to Apple (Jobs). Really. I can completely see them making an ad from it. “If it can survive Buttram, it can survive anything (with the possible exception of nuclear war).”

    Did it really get run over?

    • Well, I’m pretty sure Jobs already reads my blog. Doesn’t he read yours?

      I didn’t witness the crime, but there were tire treads across the back of my case.

      PS I’m available to be the next Apple spokesperson. Just throwing that out there.

      • I did something like that with our camcorder when camcorders cost about $!K. It had been a wedding gift and we treated it like it was platinum. I put it on the bumper of my car to get Monkey into his car seat and, of course, drove off. Pieces. Everywhere.

        Good to know that I could run over my iPhone and it would be totally-oatally fine.

        Gives me hope.

      • I so wish Steve Jobs would read my blog. I just know he’d wind-up sending me a few billion dollars (I’m not above taking a pity billion or two).
        Oh well. At least I’ve got a hundred bucks on the way from ‘Bill Gates’. All I had to do was forward an e-mail from ‘Microsoft’ to 25 people. They’re doing a ‘study’, you know. This one’s for totally for realzies.

      • Oh, my gosh, Renee, I hope you were able to salvage the videos! I’m glad we are on the same page though as far as electronics, automobiles, and forgetfulness. Sigh.

      • No kidding, Sig. Bill Gates owes me so much money. I forwarded that email to every single one of my friends. So, like, four people.

      • The tapes were intact. The camcorder. Well, it was no Apple. 😉

  3. That’s amazing! My husband once spied some detritus in the road and turned around to find a blackberry, its battery cover, battery and leather holster case scattered in the middle of the road. The screen was cracked but working, and we reassembled it, booted up and found the owner’s details in order to return it. Turns out she had done the same – left it on the top of the car. I’d say your phone had a very lucky escape. Truly impressive stuff. I hope someone from Apple reads your excellent letter.

    • My husband went through three Blackberry Storms (two supposedly brand-new) before finally deciding to upgrade – they just quit on him after several months. Maybe that’ll happen one day with my iPhone, but after withstanding vehicular assault, I doubt it.

  4. Good for you! Missed all my blogs while away. Glad to be back reading ya 🙂

  5. That seals it. I need need need an iPhone. I am the queen of losing, breaking, and (in general) abusing my things…the more expensive and difficult to replace the more likely I am to leave the item on the table at a restaurant or underneath the wheel of a car (why waste time on middle-man accidents like putting it on the roof? Oh no. I go directly to the source of greatest catastrophe).

    And I’m sure Steve Jobs reads all our blogs regularly.

    We are that good.

  6. Pingback: Dear Steve Jobs, It’s Me Again « Meet the Buttrams

  7. My daughter’s (non-iphone) phone didn’t fare so well when she dropped it during her frantic mad dash to the bus. The episode came complete with a call from the random phone picking up stranger who happened to dial the “Mom” entry in her phone to inform us “I have your daughter’s phone.” I half expected a randsom request to follow but he just wanted to know where we lived so he could drop it of. Um, yeah….I mean NO! We, ( by that I mean I sent the hubs) met in a public place and retrieved the very damaged phone. All was well minus the phone.

    I so need to get an iphone. Thanks for convincing me of this fact even further!

    • What you’re really doing when dropping a small dowry on an iPhone is saving money on all the cell phones you would have had to buy after your kids destroy them. I like Apple products, but I’m not really willing to remortgage my house to own ’em all.

      That would have been funny if the stranger asked for a ransom. I would have. No, I wouldn’t have, but I would have thought about it and giggled.

  8. I’m sure Steve Jobs appreciated this letter. Now I wish I had written Steve a letter.

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