In Memoriam

I have a copious amount of hair.

As in, I kill hair dryers. As in, I regularly snap ponytail holders in half.

If I let my hair get too long, its sheer weight gives me headaches. Hubs will argue that it also gives him headaches, because it can take up to two-thirds of all pillow space in bed, and attacks him in his sleep. When I donate my hair to Locks of Love, the stylist has to separate my hair into no less than four ponytails, just to be able to cut through it. I lose more hair in a week than most women have on their head. My bathroom floor looks like a beauty parlor if I don’t vacuum it often enough. Turns out, I never vacuum it, I just wait for my mom to come visit.

There’s a point to this story.

Once upon a time, I changed hair dryers almost as often as toothbrushes. They usually only lasted me a year, tops. I tried every kind. The expensive kinds. The cheap kinds. The kinds that blast ions into your hair. The kinds with funky-looking attachments. The kinds that claimed to be salon-style dryers at a fraction of the price. I became a connoisseur of hair dryers.

Until I bought the unassuming Conair MegaMax3000. I made that name up, because I’ve had it so long the logo wore off the side.

I have had the same hair dryer since college, from my pre-Hubs days. It was mad awesome. I have no idea why, but it seemed to be hotter, more powerful, and more efficient than any other hair dryer owned by my family of luscious-haired women. My sisters regularly borrowed my hair dryer whenever they came to visit. I converted my mother, who doubted its mightiness, chalking it up to female hype, after a mere thirty seconds of blowing it in her face. (Or maybe she just wanted me to stop. Either way, she conceded, and that’s all I was after.)

It dried my obscene amount of hair in record-time. I rarely had to go a day with sopping wet locks, knowing I could rely on my Conair MegaMax3000 to do the job and to do it quickly. It saved time. It saved me countless headaches from the added water weight. It saved me who knows how many bad hair days. (Probably less than I would like to think, because my stick-straight hair air-dries almost identically as it blow-dries, if I don’t mind waiting 36 hours.)

And now, this hair dryer that has outlived many an appliance, dried my hair to a frizz-free shine for many a night out, has blown its last.

I know it seems ridiculous to be dedicating an entire post to my hair dryer, but Hubs wouldn’t let me keep it as a souvenir, nor would he let me bury it in the back yard. So this Memoriam will just have to do. You have no idea how much I loved that hair dryer.

Please observe with me a moment of silence.

Rest in peace, Conair MegaMax3000. You did your job better than any other hair dryer I have ever known. May you forever rest in the landfill of your dreams.



Filed under Humor

14 responses to “In Memoriam

  1. I am in serious need of a new hair dryer. Was going to go for the expensive negative ion kind.

    But now?

    I just might have to try out the newest Conair.

    May your MegaMax3000 Rest in peace.

  2. It’s a sad, sad day. Thanks to rain and time issues I had a crazy bad hair day today. I think now I’ll say my bad hair day was in honor of MegaMax. RIP.


  3. My daughter has tons of hair, unlike me. So envious 😉 Now I’m thinking she needs that MegaMax dryer! There is hope she might actually get her hair dry in less than a day.

    Lighting a candle for your MegaMax…

  4. Girl, I hear you about having a hairdryer that is THE ONE. I too swear by a ConAir MegaMax3000 (or whatever its called). Unlike you, I have super baby fine hair so for me it is a race against time between exiting the shower and my locks freeze drying into some twonky do that just won’t be right until I wash it again. Those flimsy hotel dryers just don’t cut it.

    RIP, ConAir, I hope you can be replaced.

    • Hah! I’m glad I’m not the only one who packs a hairdryer when I know we’re staying in a hotel. My husband just doesn’t understand.

      I will say, my new Conair Infiniti Pro has lived up to MegaMax’s memory these past two days…

  5. I used to have long hair. There’s nothing like a really good hair dryer (and a favorite hair brush!).

    These days my hair dryer is a towel.

    Here’s wishing the new dryer is just as good if not better than MegaMax!

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