Project Skinny Jeans: My Three-Step Process

There are lots of ways to get back into shape. And unlike all the experts who parrot “diet and exercise” like a monastic chant, here’s what I’m planning on doing. (Hint: I’m ignoring the “diet” part.)

Step One: Lose the Weight. Not a whole lot (I am a realist, after all; besides, I’m enjoying my now-existent behind), just the few extra pounds that took up residence when Bean moved out. I’ve never been keen on decreasing (or, let’s be honest, controlling – I try not to discriminate) my caloric intake (especially since Bean is still siphoning some of those precious calories from me 4-6 times a day), so by necessity, that means I have to increase my caloric burn. Right now, my calories are balancing out – I’m not gaining anything, but I’m not losing anything either. So the two times I’ve hit the gym this past week is (in theory) kicking it up a notch. I’m shooting for making the trek to the YMCA no less than three times a week, and optimistically hoping for an everyday sort of arrangement…we’ll see how that goes.

Step Two: Tighten Shiz Up. Weight lifting frightens me. Those machines intimidate me. And the Incredible Hulks I see strutting around the gym while simultaneously benching 220 with one giant hand judge me (don’t try to deny it). Nonetheless, after I lose the extra pounds (I hope to part ways amicably), I know I’ll need to tone the stuff that’s left. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. For now, I will just eye the blocks of lead weight, wrapped around weirdly-placed leather cushions, next to poor instructional drawings vaguely informing me how to use them, from a safe distance in the cardio room.

Step Three: Be a Hot Mess. The end.

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